After 3 decades of questions, confusion and fear, I mustard up the courage, and I dove right in. As of Wednesday, August 7th, 2013, I know where I came from.
Let me start by saying, that the road to this decision has been paved with years of rebellion, moments filled with a sense of abandonment, questions about my identity, and an overall desire to find someone like me. Medical history records of course are important, but that reason only added to the pre-existing layers of fear. "What if they have major heart issues? What if she has passed before our introduction?" Ahhh!
So after a long, and silly fight with my husband and family, a gigantic meltdown while watching Admissions, and a good look at how innocent and wonderfully made our children are, I decided to take action. Mind you, I have been trying for 20 years. Why was it so hard, only time (and maybe a good amount of therapy) will tell. What I know, is that I did it.
So flash forward several weeks (delay due to minor mistakes) my pre-adoption birth certificate arrives. Of course my support is on duty at the fire-station, so I battle with the decision to open or not. Must admit it was a quick battle.
The paper unfolded to reveal two names. The one I owned for a brief moment in time and the other, the name and age of my biological mother. For a moment, those names were just ink on the aged paper. Strange names, not what I expected names, who knows what I expected names.
Decision #3,456: Do I search for her now, or do I wait...wait...wait....what in the world would I wait for.
Didn't take long. My biological mother made herself available for searching. Genealogy websites, mylife.com sites for searches, etc., but was found ultimately on Facebook no doubt, welcome to the 21st century. How did I know it was her? Well for that answer, we will always refer to the photographic evidence. Uncanny. That is the word that replays in my mind. I am sure those of you who I know will recall, "just want 1 person, just 1 that I look like". And just like that, she stared back at me from a lovely beach photo profile picture. There was no way to prepare for how quickly things proceeded from there. Minor details, or as I like to refer to my stress lately, first world problems.
Here is what I know:
- I am in a better place with myself now than I was on Tuesday morning.
- People who I love very much are hurting in ways I can not control.
- Those people are loved more than they will ever know!
- This is just the beginning of a healing process.
- No one can understand everyone's emotions.
- I am proud of myself.
- I know a whole lot of super rad people and welcome several more.
For tonight, and obviously tomorrow (due to a lovely case of hand foot mouth) I will be hunkered down in mi casa. But come Monday morning, watch out world, cause I'm back.
Thank you Kari for the recommendation:
"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139
