The closest thing I have to understanding

I am by no means an expert on loss. Memories of my grandfather who passed 10 years ago, still bring tears and the inability to express myself at times. Beyond that, there are funerals, memorials and other losses that string together in a web of sadness, but overall I am not well versed in mourning.
My greatest pains came shortly after the birth of our angel. So perfect, so beautiful, and within days receiving more medical treatment then her father and I combined. Those days, weeks and few years leading up to her ablation, taught me more about myself, my strength and my support system than the previous 27 years. I learned during that time, how broken I could feel and how much anger I could posses (this anger will be discussed later).
And then, in just a few (which at the time seemed like an eternity) hours, it was all over. Normal child, go on with life.
So, that is as far as my pain goes. For that, I am extremely thankful and yet frightened at my own naivety.


Calendar thought of the day: I was reminded today of the strength of service. All that we have to offer is our time and our prayers. If you choose to spread words of inspiration and love, compassion and concern, people will listen. People will rise to the occasion. There is good in each of us. We can be the strength when others are weak. We can make it a better day tomorrow then it was today, but it will never be the same.

Where to Begin?

For several months, or for who knows how long, I have had an itch to record more than just the photographic memories of our existence. So in honor of an extremely special man, I start my journey of journaling today.

I have always wanted to create a calendar titled, You Learn Something New Everyday. Using my future calendar as inspiration, I will attempt to document what we as a family learn each day. Maybe one day it will hang on the walls and remind me of the birthdays of loved ones.

So here is what I have learned so far in 2013;

• Life is incredibly fleeting. And yet at the same time, incredibly overwhelming and difficult to process. 
• There will always be events that don't make sense, we will feel broken, we will feel angry, we will feel cheated. In those moments, finding faith, grace and trust in someone or something is so important and yet at times the hardest to grasp.
• I say "no" and "can't this time" too much. So many memories I have missed, fully believing there would be another party, another birthday, another holiday. There isn't always. There is no guarantee. This might be our last moment. 
• There are tiny miracles surrounding us and we must dig them out, rinse them off and let them shine. 
• I am frightened and that fear is radiating from my body and the kiddos can feel it. I will be stronger in the coming days. I will hand it over to Christ and I will be the helpful servant for those in need. It is all I know how to do. 
• Hope, smiles and laughter are what our children need. They ache for the belief in something and we must give it to them. I will be more consistent and thorough in my families spiritual up bringing.
• Some of the hardest words in times of misery are "everything happens for a reason". They are unrealistic words when you are trapped in a whirlwind of emotions and despair. However, there is truth in those words. If he brings you to it, he will bring you through it. The question is, how do we get through it in one piece.
• Emotions, however much a heavy burden to bare at times, are well worth it. I feel your pain, I have felt your joy, and I will feel your journey. It will make us all stronger and better people. We will do it in his honor.

Ok, I feel better already.
My suggestion for today, write something down. Tell the paper or the computer screen your thoughts, it is good for the soul.

God bless and good night.