What a year this has been....

Every action receives a reaction and every action is ignited by some sort of catalyst. This week, I am very torn to exactly which type of catalyst I have been.
After 3 decades of questions, confusion and fear, I mustard up the courage, and I dove right in. As of Wednesday, August 7th, 2013,  I know where I came from.
Let me start by saying, that the road to this decision has been paved with years of rebellion, moments filled with a sense of abandonment, questions about my identity, and an overall desire to find someone like me. Medical history records of course are important, but that reason only added to the pre-existing layers of fear.      "What if they have major heart issues? What if she has passed before our introduction?" Ahhh!
So after a long, and silly fight with my husband and family, a gigantic meltdown while watching Admissions, and a good look at how innocent and wonderfully made our children are, I decided to take action. Mind you, I have been trying for 20 years. Why was it so hard, only time (and maybe a good amount of therapy) will tell. What I know, is that I did it.
So flash forward several weeks (delay due to minor mistakes) my pre-adoption birth certificate arrives. Of course my support is on duty at the fire-station, so I battle with the decision to open or not. Must admit it was a quick battle.
The paper unfolded to reveal two names. The one I owned for a brief moment in time and the other, the name and age of my biological mother. For a moment, those names were just ink on the aged paper. Strange names, not what I expected names, who knows what I expected names.
Decision #3,456: Do I search for her now, or do I wait...wait...wait....what in the world would I wait for.
Didn't take long. My biological mother made herself available for searching. Genealogy websites, mylife.com sites for searches, etc., but was found ultimately on Facebook no doubt, welcome to the 21st century. How did I know it was her? Well for that answer, we will always refer to the photographic evidence. Uncanny. That is the word that replays in my mind. I am sure those of you who I know will recall, "just want 1 person, just 1 that I look like". And just like that, she stared back at me from a lovely beach photo profile picture. There was no way to prepare for how quickly things proceeded from there. Minor details, or as I like to refer to my stress lately, first world problems.
Here is what I know:

1. I am in a better place with myself now than I was on Tuesday morning.
2. People who I love very much are hurting in ways I can not control.
3. Those people are loved more than they will ever know!
4. This is just the beginning of a healing process.
5. No one can understand everyone's emotions.
6. I am proud of myself.  
7. I know a whole lot of super rad people and welcome several more. 

For tonight, and obviously tomorrow (due to a lovely case of hand foot mouth) I will be hunkered down in mi casa. But come Monday morning, watch out world, cause I'm back. 

Thank you Kari for the recommendation:

"I praise you  for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139

Searching through the rubble.....

      For the past few weeks, I have been letting myself get a bit wrapped up in "theories" of why bad things have been happening in our world. What is wrong with our culture? Is it gun control, is it schools, is it the government, is it the parents, is it media, etc, etc.?
     However, as I  try to tear myself away from the television, I am reminded that it is completely out of our control. A 2 mile long tornado can rip through your neighborhood, rushing through at speeds of over 200 miles per hour and all you will have is a 17 minute warning to get to safety. 24 children unaccounted for at one school. Doesn't sound like they made it to a safe spot. A few have been found, huddled in "tornado drill" position. Parents, friends, and family waiting, holding their breath.
      My heart aches for the people of Oklahoma, their family and friends. Tomorrow I will ask my children what they think we can do to help. We will work hard to smile and cherish each moment and make our world stronger and better. Say a pray tonight for the families who were the stomping grounds for this horrible tornado.

     In all the darkness that surround our nation, I am blessed to have these smiles to make my days full of awesome!

Moving forward

A nasty virus has been creeping around our house this past week. Sore throats, runny noses, bad coughs and restless night. But none of that compares to the illness stirring in the pit of my stomach. Let's review:

• Today we honor and celebrate the life of Scott Richardson. Today is his birthday. Today his children will not share cake with him, his wife will not get a fancy dinner date, his mother will not get to send him a card stating that he is an incredible son, his brothers won't get to share a toast with him, and his friends will never rally the night away with him again. It has been over 3 months and yet still seems unreal. We have worked hard to live a life that would make him proud. The first month or so, that seemed easy. Then we let life catch up with us. Today we remember to slow down, smell the roses, play with our children, cherish our spouse, enjoy a good sunset. As Buddha said, "the problem is we think we have time.
• Speaking of time, I packed my first batch of clothes to hand down today. I have been holding on to all of Ashlynn and Elijah's clothes. Like one day, when another child is born, I would somehow magically grab the correct trashbag out of the attic for the clothes I need for that month. But today, I packed up clothes of Ashlynn's (once Finley Faith's) and am ready to hand them down to the adorable Marin. It made me think, holding on to these clothes is like holding on to the past. I don't know if that means no more kids or if it just means I am ready to move on from the trials of this year. I know they are just clothes, but they remind me of so many memories from the best moments of my life. 
• Oh and speaking of time!!!! Tonight is kindergarten orientation!!! Argh! I am sick to my stomach with anxiety and excitement for Ashlynn. It is very difficult to believe that the little peanut that has given us so much joy and at the same so many tears, is going into kindergarten. I am excited for her but the thought of her gone from me 5 days a week is heart-wrenching. Tonight we go meet teachers and the principal. I hope that I feel comfortable there. I always just assumed my children would go to Edison Park. It has been my "educational" home for the past 10 years and I am not sure I am ready for anything else. I have made a personal vow to try and remain open minded. I will embrace the school for what it has to offer and put forth my service before my complaints. 

Ok so beyond that, my throat still aches and my nose is runny. The sun is shining and the kids are sleeping. I need to write more often. It helps me cope with the moments.

Starting tomorrow

Starting tomorrow, life will never be the same. Starting tomorrow, we will fight our toughest battle to date. Starting tomorrow, our gumption will be tested. My mother-in-law, Cathy, will begin 5 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation, with the hope of shrinking a massive tumor so that it may be surgically removed in 7 weeks or so. February 28th seems like an eternity ago. That day, after a fun shopping trip for new kicks, life paused and we have been waiting while growing every more frustrated. So starting tomorrow, things will be different. I hope that I am strong enough to assist and be of service as her body fights the massive army attempting to gain control over her. We need her here. She will get through tomorrow, we will get through all of this. But starting tomorrow it will never be the same.

Opps, it's been a long time, I shouldn't left you....

Life can get so caught up in the moment, that months, literally, fly by without a full blink of the eye. I have hardly kept up my promise to write on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. I have, however, accomplished bi-annual reports. Hmmm.

So the past month has brought about trials and tribulations, greater than your average trial. I am aware that these moments in our life are our moments to grow and strengthen our faith.

Finding the shine in every day.

A series of unfortunate events has plagued our area recently. Friends and family are struggling to find peace, happiness, faith and security.
We as a family are working hard to find the shine in each and every day. Sometimes we call it your "full of awesome moment", filling buckets, or doing God's work.

Our full of awesome moments almost always involve the kids. Today when Ashlynn woke up from her nap, we headed out to the trampoline. I was mesmerized by her energy and excitement. Her jumps and smiles. So I broke out the camera. And for the rest of this post, I will let the images speak for themself.

"Love the people god gave you because he will need them back one day."

Who Will Celebrate You?

After a breathtaking memorial for a man who I did not get enough moments with, I am flabbergasted at the intensity and strength of those who he loved. I can not begin to wrap my head around the loss a mother feels, even after 35 years with them. In fact, I wonder if all that time makes it even more painful. Is it better to have loved and lost or never have lost at all (isn't that how the phrase runs)? I don't know and I never want to find out. My heart aches for all of us who have lost.

The closest thing I have to understanding

I am by no means an expert on loss. Memories of my grandfather who passed 10 years ago, still bring tears and the inability to express myself at times. Beyond that, there are funerals, memorials and other losses that string together in a web of sadness, but overall I am not well versed in mourning.
My greatest pains came shortly after the birth of our angel. So perfect, so beautiful, and within days receiving more medical treatment then her father and I combined. Those days, weeks and few years leading up to her ablation, taught me more about myself, my strength and my support system than the previous 27 years. I learned during that time, how broken I could feel and how much anger I could posses (this anger will be discussed later).
And then, in just a few (which at the time seemed like an eternity) hours, it was all over. Normal child, go on with life.
So, that is as far as my pain goes. For that, I am extremely thankful and yet frightened at my own naivety.


Calendar thought of the day: I was reminded today of the strength of service. All that we have to offer is our time and our prayers. If you choose to spread words of inspiration and love, compassion and concern, people will listen. People will rise to the occasion. There is good in each of us. We can be the strength when others are weak. We can make it a better day tomorrow then it was today, but it will never be the same.

Where to Begin?

For several months, or for who knows how long, I have had an itch to record more than just the photographic memories of our existence. So in honor of an extremely special man, I start my journey of journaling today.

I have always wanted to create a calendar titled, You Learn Something New Everyday. Using my future calendar as inspiration, I will attempt to document what we as a family learn each day. Maybe one day it will hang on the walls and remind me of the birthdays of loved ones.

So here is what I have learned so far in 2013;

• Life is incredibly fleeting. And yet at the same time, incredibly overwhelming and difficult to process. 
• There will always be events that don't make sense, we will feel broken, we will feel angry, we will feel cheated. In those moments, finding faith, grace and trust in someone or something is so important and yet at times the hardest to grasp.
• I say "no" and "can't this time" too much. So many memories I have missed, fully believing there would be another party, another birthday, another holiday. There isn't always. There is no guarantee. This might be our last moment. 
• There are tiny miracles surrounding us and we must dig them out, rinse them off and let them shine. 
• I am frightened and that fear is radiating from my body and the kiddos can feel it. I will be stronger in the coming days. I will hand it over to Christ and I will be the helpful servant for those in need. It is all I know how to do. 
• Hope, smiles and laughter are what our children need. They ache for the belief in something and we must give it to them. I will be more consistent and thorough in my families spiritual up bringing.
• Some of the hardest words in times of misery are "everything happens for a reason". They are unrealistic words when you are trapped in a whirlwind of emotions and despair. However, there is truth in those words. If he brings you to it, he will bring you through it. The question is, how do we get through it in one piece.
• Emotions, however much a heavy burden to bare at times, are well worth it. I feel your pain, I have felt your joy, and I will feel your journey. It will make us all stronger and better people. We will do it in his honor.

Ok, I feel better already.
My suggestion for today, write something down. Tell the paper or the computer screen your thoughts, it is good for the soul.

God bless and good night.