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Where Are You Now?

Yes, I am borrowing my title from Mumford and Son's. However, it feels quite fitting. What a year and then some it has been. Tonight we celebrated my brother's birthday and his 17th year of marriage to Shannon. 17 years. How has the time gotten away from us.
Tonight, I am thinking about family. I am thinking about, how no matter what the memory is, each of us perceives it differently. We all have our, "this is my memory" moment. Whose is accurate? Does it matter?
I would say, no. What is important, is that we hold a memory of it. I have met a group of people who have held me in their hearts, minds and memories for 34 years. They saw me, met me, held me, heard of me, looked for me, knew of me, for 34 years. That is a long time! And now, how do I fill in those years. How do I embrace it all with out harming others. How do I make my 34 year prior relations healthier. This reunion's goal was to build me up. Make me stronger.

Deciding

Deciding to write tonight. Think about it most nights, and find something else to occupy my brain. But always wanting to put it all down.
Always wanting to create that calendar.
You learn something new everyday.
Today, I learned...I am naive.
I want to live in a quiet, quaint community that the childhood me, believes I grew up in
. I want to not feel like a fool when I am caught with my doors unlocked. I want to not feel the pit in my stomach, when there is a moment with no barking as Uncle Jerry patted down the house. What if someone hurt our Luke? I despise living in fear, and perhaps that is why I am lackadaisical about locking my doors. I don't want to live in fear. I want to believe in our neighborhood. I want to have faith in our world. Yep, like I said....naive.
So what does that mean for me? Do I have to harden up, perhaps just wise up? But there is so much good in the world. I believe it can rise. But, I need to be wise. I will be stronger and smarter when it comes to protecting my family.
That is what I learned today.

What a year this has been....

Every action receives a reaction and every action is ignited by some sort of catalyst. This week, I am very torn to exactly which type of catalyst I have been.
After 3 decades of questions, confusion and fear, I mustard up the courage, and I dove right in. As of Wednesday, August 7th, 2013,  I know where I came from.
Let me start by saying, that the road to this decision has been paved with years of rebellion, moments filled with a sense of abandonment, questions about my identity, and an overall desire to find someone like me. Medical history records of course are important, but that reason only added to the pre-existing layers of fear.      "What if they have major heart issues? What if she has passed before our introduction?" Ahhh!
So after a long, and silly fight with my husband and family, a gigantic meltdown while watching Admissions, and a good look at how innocent and wonderfully made our children are, I decided to take action. Mind you, I have been trying for 20 years. Why was it so hard, only time (and maybe a good amount of therapy) will tell. What I know, is that I did it.
So flash forward several weeks (delay due to minor mistakes) my pre-adoption birth certificate arrives. Of course my support is on duty at the fire-station, so I battle with the decision to open or not. Must admit it was a quick battle.
The paper unfolded to reveal two names. The one I owned for a brief moment in time and the other, the name and age of my biological mother. For a moment, those names were just ink on the aged paper. Strange names, not what I expected names, who knows what I expected names.
Decision #3,456: Do I search for her now, or do I wait...wait...wait....what in the world would I wait for.
Didn't take long. My biological mother made herself available for searching. Genealogy websites, mylife.com sites for searches, etc., but was found ultimately on Facebook no doubt, welcome to the 21st century. How did I know it was her? Well for that answer, we will always refer to the photographic evidence. Uncanny. That is the word that replays in my mind. I am sure those of you who I know will recall, "just want 1 person, just 1 that I look like". And just like that, she stared back at me from a lovely beach photo profile picture. There was no way to prepare for how quickly things proceeded from there. Minor details, or as I like to refer to my stress lately, first world problems.
Here is what I know:

1. I am in a better place with myself now than I was on Tuesday morning.
2. People who I love very much are hurting in ways I can not control.
3. Those people are loved more than they will ever know!
4. This is just the beginning of a healing process.
5. No one can understand everyone's emotions.
6. I am proud of myself.  
7. I know a whole lot of super rad people and welcome several more. 

For tonight, and obviously tomorrow (due to a lovely case of hand foot mouth) I will be hunkered down in mi casa. But come Monday morning, watch out world, cause I'm back. 

Thank you Kari for the recommendation:

"I praise you  for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139

Searching through the rubble.....

      For the past few weeks, I have been letting myself get a bit wrapped up in "theories" of why bad things have been happening in our world. What is wrong with our culture? Is it gun control, is it schools, is it the government, is it the parents, is it media, etc, etc.?
     However, as I  try to tear myself away from the television, I am reminded that it is completely out of our control. A 2 mile long tornado can rip through your neighborhood, rushing through at speeds of over 200 miles per hour and all you will have is a 17 minute warning to get to safety. 24 children unaccounted for at one school. Doesn't sound like they made it to a safe spot. A few have been found, huddled in "tornado drill" position. Parents, friends, and family waiting, holding their breath.
      My heart aches for the people of Oklahoma, their family and friends. Tomorrow I will ask my children what they think we can do to help. We will work hard to smile and cherish each moment and make our world stronger and better. Say a pray tonight for the families who were the stomping grounds for this horrible tornado.

     In all the darkness that surround our nation, I am blessed to have these smiles to make my days full of awesome!

Moving forward

A nasty virus has been creeping around our house this past week. Sore throats, runny noses, bad coughs and restless night. But none of that compares to the illness stirring in the pit of my stomach. Let's review:

• Today we honor and celebrate the life of Scott Richardson. Today is his birthday. Today his children will not share cake with him, his wife will not get a fancy dinner date, his mother will not get to send him a card stating that he is an incredible son, his brothers won't get to share a toast with him, and his friends will never rally the night away with him again. It has been over 3 months and yet still seems unreal. We have worked hard to live a life that would make him proud. The first month or so, that seemed easy. Then we let life catch up with us. Today we remember to slow down, smell the roses, play with our children, cherish our spouse, enjoy a good sunset. As Buddha said, "the problem is we think we have time.
• Speaking of time, I packed my first batch of clothes to hand down today. I have been holding on to all of Ashlynn and Elijah's clothes. Like one day, when another child is born, I would somehow magically grab the correct trashbag out of the attic for the clothes I need for that month. But today, I packed up clothes of Ashlynn's (once Finley Faith's) and am ready to hand them down to the adorable Marin. It made me think, holding on to these clothes is like holding on to the past. I don't know if that means no more kids or if it just means I am ready to move on from the trials of this year. I know they are just clothes, but they remind me of so many memories from the best moments of my life. 
• Oh and speaking of time!!!! Tonight is kindergarten orientation!!! Argh! I am sick to my stomach with anxiety and excitement for Ashlynn. It is very difficult to believe that the little peanut that has given us so much joy and at the same so many tears, is going into kindergarten. I am excited for her but the thought of her gone from me 5 days a week is heart-wrenching. Tonight we go meet teachers and the principal. I hope that I feel comfortable there. I always just assumed my children would go to Edison Park. It has been my "educational" home for the past 10 years and I am not sure I am ready for anything else. I have made a personal vow to try and remain open minded. I will embrace the school for what it has to offer and put forth my service before my complaints. 

Ok so beyond that, my throat still aches and my nose is runny. The sun is shining and the kids are sleeping. I need to write more often. It helps me cope with the moments.